


it's hard to feel better

by maddylime



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oma Kokichi Needs a Hug, Post Game, Self-Hatred, haha its a vent fic its a vent fic, he gets a hug!!!!!, rated teen cuz i think i say a bad word, virtual reality au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27512959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddylime/pseuds/maddylime
Summary: basically its after the kiling game and kokichi's struggling with feeling worthy, luckily shuichi notices his behavior and cares enough to help
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 110





	it's hard to feel better

**Author's Note:**

> vent fic go brrrr  
> i wrote this like one day after I wrote that one fanfiction where he didn't get a hug because I felt bad  
> however I posted this like a month later because I'm. incompetent

After the killing game, things were supposed to get better. But all it did was get worse. 

It was a virtual reality, meaning that everyone was still alive. But their pre-game memories were still lost, they only had the false memories they were given. And they still had to suffer knowing of what happened in the game. 

So Kokichi wasn't doing well. On one hand, everyone is alive. So he didn't _actually_ kill anyone. On the other hand, D.I.C.E. isn’t real so he has no one to care for him. And even though everyone’s alive, he still couldn't erase the tragic memories from his head. 

Yeah, he wasn’t doing well at all. His mental state had been significantly weakened to the point where it was hard to even lie anymore. He just had no energy for it. 

It’s not like it really mattered. No one here cared about him... And for good reason. He made the killing game worse on everybody, it wouldn't make sense for anyone to forgive him. 

Except maybe a few people did. Or at least, tried to. Like Rantaro, Kaede, and Shuichi, actually. They didn’t leave him behind like all the others and they became almost...friends. But Kokichi just couldn't understand why they stayed with him. They must not like him as much as they claim to. Or it was just a pity thing. Or they were just trying to solve him like a puzzle. Something like that. It didn’t make sense otherwise. There was no way that they _actually_ cared about him with no ulterior motives. 

Besides, they all hung out fine together, without him. So they didn’t need him at all. 

For example, they were all hanging out right now. They invited Kokichi too, but he didn’t go. Why would he? He’d just say insensitive things and no one would laugh at his clever humor that he uses as a coping mechanism. It would all just be awkward stares. That only has happened a few times so far, but a few times was enough. 

So he just stayed in his room. His dark room. There weren’t any lights on. He didn’t want to turn them on. 

Why was _he_ the one struggling? He was the one causing the pain in the killing game. If anything, he should be suffering less. And he probably was. He was just being a big baby about it. He must just want the attention. Or something. 

Everyone else seemed to be hiding their feelings better than him. There was no doubt they were struggling too, but they kept trying to go on with their lives. Kokichi couldn't do that, and _he_ was the one famous for putting on a mask. 

He needed to get over this but this particular wave of hopelessness had lasted for weeks now and he wasn’t getting any better. Every movement he made felt useless. He could only lay on his bed, looking at some dumb thing on his phone that was given to him by Team Danganronpa. Because practically everything everyone had was given by them. I mean, they lived in a space they gave to them. 

And the only way to escape that would be death. 

*knock knock* 

That was a soft knock at his door. Must be Shuichi, then. He always knocks like that. He doesn’t like loud noises and he doesn't like to bother Kokichi too much. 

So, therefore: soft knock. 

Kokichi didn’t want Shuichi to see him like this. Not for Kokichi’s sake. If Shuichi saw it, it might upset him or something. 

Maybe if he pretended he wasn’t here, he would go away! 

“I know you’re in there” Shuichi claimed. 

Well, shit. 

He walked over to the door. He might as well open it and try to convince Shuichi he was okay. Otherwise, Shuichi might worry too much. And that’s the opposite of what he wanted. 

But when he opened the door, Shuichi already looked worried. 

“You, uh, didn’t answer your phone” Shuichi explained. 

Well yeah, he put everyone’s messages on silent so he didn't have to deal with them. 

“Oops!” Kokichi remarked, keeping a forced smile on. 

“Are you uh, okay?” Shuichi worried. 

So what? The forced smile didn’t work? 

“Mmm-hmm” Kokichi lied, trying a different fake smile. 

Shuichi took a few seconds to look at him before decidedly saying, “No, you're not.” 

Wow, it was like Shuichi was seeing right through him. He had gotten good at that lately, it almost made Kokichi regret letting him get that close. Though he wasn’t actually a real detective, he did have those instincts. And Kokichi was a complicated person, so it was almost necessary. Then again, that didn’t mean Shuichi cared about him, just that he wanted to figure him out. 

“What?! How are you gonna tell me if I'm okay or not?” Kokichi deflected. 

“I, I can just tell, I mean, I’ve known you long enough to know,” Shuichi explained. 

“It hasn’t been _that_ long” Kokichi refuted. 

It had only been a few months, though they did feel incredibly long. And yeah, a lot of stuff happened in those few months, but Kokichi never really let anyone past his defensive walls. So it wasn’t really correct to say he knew them. 

It was...kind of a nice thought though. 

“I know, I’m just...worried” Shuichi admitted. 

Worried? Shuichi shouldn't have to worry about someone like him. Not with everything he did. 

He didn’t deserve to make someone feel worried. He was just burdening them, again. 

Jeez, why did Shuichi always need to come in and ask if he’s okay? Can’t he just leave him- 

Shuichi interrupted his constant spiral of thoughts with a sudden hug. 

...The touch wasn’t bad. 

It was okay. 

He couldn't really fully enjoy it when he had no idea why it was happening. It didn’t make sense for Shuichi to hug him. Shuichi didn’t seem to like touch, so why was he initiating it? And with _him?_ Someone who he obviously opposed during the killing game they were trapped in? He knows what he did, he was there for it. So why would he- 

“Hey, r-relax. You’re too tense” Shuichi insisted. 

Yeah, of course he was. How could he relax? He hasn’t been hugged in years. 

“‘Kichi, calm down” Shuichi whispered, using that nickname that he rarely used. The use of it startled Kokichi a little. He probably wouldn’t admit it out loud, but it gave him an instant sense of comfort. Shuichi probably figured that out already, as seen by his tender use of it. 

Kokichi’s head felt fuzzy. _Yes,_ he wanted to calm down. _Yes,_ he wanted to relax. But he shouldn’t. He should just yell at Shuichi to leave. Tell him to get away. Lie that he hates him. 

He’s already done that so many times, though. 

And the hug felt so soft and warm… 

And he was so tired… 

He suddenly started crying. More like sobbing. 

Everything just hurt. He _did_ want comfort, he didn’t want to pull away. He wanted to last in this hug forever and ever. But every part of his mind kept screaming that he couldn’t. That it was unfair to let Shuichi comfort him when he didn’t even deserve it. 

“Hey, y-you’re okay” Shuichi comforted, beginning to play with Kokichi’s hair. 

His heart fluttered at the gesture while his thoughts kept telling him to push him away. 

“Let’s go sit on your bed, alright?” Shuichi suggested. 

Kokichi nodded, feeling too tired to stand up anymore. 

He heard the door close and slowly walked over to the bed, being guided by Shuichi. Once they sat down, he was pulled into another warm embrace. 

Shuichi usually wasn’t this good at comfort, he was probably nervous to do this. That thought made Kokichi feel guilty, making him cry even harder. He didn’t want to bother him, he really didn’t. But he was doing it anyway. 

“Do you, uh, want to tell me what’s wrong?” Shuichi questioned, leaving gentle touches all over Kokichi’s back. 

He didn’t. He didn’t want to talk. He knew if he did, he’d lie again. There’s no way he would actually admit his problems. 

He slowly shook his head. 

“Oh, uh...that’s okay” Shuichi confirmed. 

They both sat in silence for a while. Kokichi cried into Shuichi’s shoulder, while Shuichi kept holding him. 

Finally, Kokichi spoke up. 

“How did you know I was upset? Did you read my mind or something?” he mumbled. 

Shuichi smiled at the slight joke and responded,”No, I just, well, you haven’t been hanging out with us for uh, a whole week. So I just thought something was wrong.” 

Oh yeah. Kokichi forgot he did that. 

“You know, we _like_ to be with you” Shuichi reassured. 

The words made Kokichi relax a little, but he didn’t actually believe them. 

He still couldn’t see why anyone would genuinely want to be around him. It just made no sense, so it couldn’t be true. He didn’t even like hanging out with himself sometimes. 

“And, uh, we’re here for you. You don’t have to, keep yourself in your room” Shuichi added. 

That seemed like an even more wrong statement. They weren’t here for him. Right? _He_ was the one that made the killing game worse, why would anyone want to listen to his problems? It didn’t make any sense. 

So he started crying again. Because everything was starting to hurt again. His thoughts just kept hurting him again. 

It just didn’t make sense for Shuichi to be here like this. He just didn’t understand. And he wanted to let himself fall into Shuichi’s embrace but he couldn't. 

“Hey, I don’t, I don’t want to see you cry” Shuichi whispered, moving so he could see Kokichi’s face. 

Great. Now he could see how messed up he looked. 

But Shuichi didn’t seem disgusted, he just seemed worried. He used his sleeve to gently wipe away the tears on Kokichi’s face, a gesture that Kokichi didn’t think he’d ever get to experience. 

He found himself leaning into his touch, not wanting it to go away. Shuichi seemed to have understood, and let his hand linger on his face for longer. 

“sorry” Kokichi muttered. He doesn’t usually apologize, but it’s all he could really think of saying right now. 

“No, you don’t have to be sorry!” Shuichi rejected his apology, moving his hand to brush Kokichi’s hair out of his face. 

Every touch felt so comforting, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

He took this moment to really look at Shuichi’s face. Kokichi was right, it was apparent that he was kind of nervous. He had a faint blush on his face, and his eyes seemed...sincere? Like he wasn’t...lying? But that couldn’t have been true. Kokichi could tell when people were lying but there had to be some faults in his system, right? 

“You think I'm lying, don’t you?” Shuichi asked, seeming to already know the answer. It was like he was seeing right through Kokichi. It was scary, being so vulnerable. But Shuichi was right. That is what he thought. 

“Well, aren't you?” Kokichi suspected. He knew Shuichi would say no. There’s no way Shuichi would admit to lying to him. 

“No, I'm not!” Shuichi denied, following what Kokichi already just predicted. 

He could say it all he wants, but Kokichi will never truly believe him. It just didn’t make sense. 

He refused to look at Shuichi. 

“‘Kichi, look at me” Shuichi requested, once again using that nickname that made Kokichi’s heart melt. 

He didn’t want to look at him. If he looked at him, he might believe his words. 

“‘Kichi,” Shuichi repeated, in a gentle voice. A voice that almost made Kokichi drop his guard and start crying again. 

“What?” Kokichi sighed, turning to look at him. 

“I’m not lying. Wouldn’t you be able to tell if I was?” Shuichi mentioned. 

He really didn’t look like he was lying. 

But that’s precisely why Kokichi didn’t want to look at him. 

“I don't want you to be upset. I, I know you’re hurting and I want to help you!” Shuichi continued. Kokichi looked away again. 

“Just...at least try not to push me away?” Shuichi proposed. 

Yeah sure, he could try. But it wouldn’t work. Eventually, the thoughts would come back and he’d push everyone away. It’s inevitable. 

He took a moment to look at Shuichi's face. His eyes were gentle, yet filled with worry. And again, it didn’t seem like he was lying. 

“Please?” Shuichi urged, due to Kokichi's silence. 

Well, what did he want him to say? Did he really think Kokichi would say yes and everything would go back to normal? Kokichi didn’t even know what normal was. 

So he still didn’t say anything. 

Shuichi sighed, “Ok, but I'm still going to stay with you today.” 

“Why?” Kokichi finally spoke. 

“Well..I don’t want to leave you alone. Besides, I, I like being with you” Shuichi admitted. 

Kokichi still couldn’t understand that. But it’s not like he could force Shuichi to leave. Well, he could, but he didn’t feel like being cruel today. He was too tired for that. 

And Shuichi’s presence wasn’t a bad thing for Kokichi. He liked Shuichi, so it wasn’t like he really wanted him to leave. 

He just didn’t know how to deal with someone...caring about him. Or at least claiming they did. 

“You, uh, look tired” Shuichi pointed out. 

He did? He knew he felt tired, but he didn’t know that he exactly looked that way. 

“Do you want to, um, maybe, take a nap together?” Shuichi proposed, obviously nervous with his own suggestion. 

It wasn’t a bad idea. Kokichi wouldn’t have to talk if they did that. So he couldn’t make Shuichi worry more than he already had. 

And also all of these thoughts would go away, hopefully. He can’t really be self-depreciating in his dreams, unless he has a bad one. But that hadn’t happened lately. 

He nodded, crawling into bed. Shuichi followed soon after, laying right next to him. 

They faced each other, Kokichi actually letting his eyes meet Shuichi's. He always thought his eyes were pretty. 

He wondered/hoped for a brief moment if Shuichi was going to try to cuddle with him. But his thoughts were interrupted by just that. 

Shuichi wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. Kokichi settled his head near Shuichi's heartbeat. He listened closely to the soothing noise. 

They had never been this close before but it almost felt natural. 

Kokichi had actually never been this close with anyone before, but it felt so comforting, he had to sink into it. 

“Sweet dreams Shuichi” Kokichi mumbled, closing his eyes and trying to only focus on the feeling of Shuichi’s arms. 

“Yeah, sweet dreams” Shuichi repeated. 

Eventually, they both fell asleep surrounded by the warmth of each other.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !!  
> if you feel sad like this I am sending you a hug


End file.
